I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
