Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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