I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
