y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize