is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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