Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
