just come out here and I will go home with you...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize