and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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