genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
