Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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