btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
