My Higher Power is John Stamos
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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