he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
