I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
