He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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