i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
