I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
