woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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