Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
