and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
