My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
as a side note pls kill me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
