he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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