I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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