When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
