My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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