Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
