A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize