You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
