I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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