ya dads aren't the best wingmen
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
