yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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