if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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