Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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