So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She bit a glass in half.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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