I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
