i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
