I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
