so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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