I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
