We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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