I think i peed on brittanys purse
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
