Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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