Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
my nose is crying tears of wow.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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