do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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