i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
