The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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