i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
