When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
