Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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