Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm like, not good at living.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize