A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
