We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
