i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
