I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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