I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
