lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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