Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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